Real-Life Situations

These real-life family stories are followed by ideas and resources for ways to handle the situations before they damage sibling relationships. Each is backed by research conducted for the Home Instead Senior Care® network in the U.S. and Canada. Responses were developed in cooperation with Ingrid Connidis, Ph.D., sibling relationships expert from the University of Western Ontario.

MONEY MATTERS

The slow economy has taken a toll on many families, straining finances and relationships. Do you and your siblings disagree on how to approach money matters when it comes to family caregiving situations? If so, consider the following real-life family solutions. Research shows that the inability to work together in important areas such as money can lead to a deterioration of sibling relationships.

Payment Overdue. You and your brother have just discovered a pile of overdue bills, spoiled food in the refrigerator and magazines stacked ceiling high at your parents’ house. Your brother loses his cool and practically demands that they move to a nursing home. Your parents are visibly upset. You want the continued help and support of your brother. What do you do?

Approach your parents and brother with a sense of working together to find a solution rather than telling them what to do. Is the problem that your parents don’t have the money? Or are they just unable to manage the bill-paying anymore? Speak to your parents about the issues that are relevant to avoid family conflict.

Research: 46% of family caregivers

in the U.S.; 40% in Canada who

said their relationships with their

siblings have deteriorated blame

unwillingness on the part of siblings

to help.

After assessing the situation, talk with your brother and suggest what seems like a reasonable course of action to you. Be sure to ask his opinion as well. One solution is to set your parents up on automatic bill-paying through their bank or take over payment of their bills. If you and your brother disagree, try to find a compromise. Offer the help you deem appropriate to your parents. A united front is the ideal course of action, unless you and your brother feel it would be best if you spoke to Mom and Dad on your own. Both you and your parents will benefit by keeping your brother engaged in the process in a positive way.

Do what you can to maintain a relationship with your brother. Siblings are sometimes the only family relationships that endure. Friendships from our early lives often don’t last. So there is a depth of empathy we can tap into that goes back to that childhood relationship. That sibling relationship will continue after your parents are gone. Research suggests that siblings don’t want to harm their relationships with each other.

Recession Bust. The economy has taken its toll on your parents’ retirement nest egg, which they worked so hard to build. You and your four siblings are doing well financially, but no one is stepping up to the plate to help Mom and Dad. What’s the solution?

Initially, this calls for a conversation between yourself and your parents. Awareness of your parents’ financial situation is critical. Parents can feel like they are giving up their independence and privacy if they discuss that information. In terms of harmony among siblings, it’s better if everyone has the same information.

You could discuss an agreement where you will help your parents out financially now, on the understanding that they will pay you back through your inheritance. If they agree, you could share your agreement with your siblings so that they know in advance. They could be invited to be part of the agreement as well. Seek the advice of a professional like a lawyer or financial advisor about how best to make this financial arrangement.

Remind your siblings of the impact that the current economic situation has had on seniors like your parents. Older U.S. adults have lost almost one quarter of their buying power since 2000, according to the Annual Survey of Senior Costs released in 2010 by The Senior Citizens League (TSCL), a senior advocacy group.

In Canada, according to the Office of the Superintendent of Bankruptcy Canada, the share of insolvent consumers for people 55 and up has more than quadrupled in the past decade, hitting 20.6% last year. This was the steepest increase for all age groups. The office compiled the findings based on annual numbers between 1989 and 2009.

If your siblings understand, they may get a better grasp of what your family is facing and be more willing to pitch in to help.

Research: Only about

one-fourth of family

caregivers (23% in the U.S.

and 27% in Canada) give

themselves the highest

ratings for their ability to

work together.

Sharing the Care

Tips to Help Sibling Caregivers Plan Ahead, Work Together
Sharing isn’t always easy for brothers and sisters who grew up under the same roof. Divvying up the wealth of toys, bedrooms or vehicles may have been a challenge at your house, and sharing the daily household chores could have led to family conflict as well.

Some things never change.

According to research conducted for the Home Instead Senior Care® network, sharing the care of elderly parents can be as much of an obstacle for adult siblings. In 43% of U.S. families and 41% of Canadian families, one sibling has the responsibility for providing most or all of the care for Mom or Dad, according to a survey of family caregivers. In only 2% of families in the U.S. and 3% in Canada did the siblings split the caregiving responsibility equally.

"Senior caregiving can either bring families together or cause brother and sister conflict," says sibling relationships expert Ingrid Connidis, Ph.D., from the University of Western Ontario. "In some cases it can do both. These issues can be very emotional."

Connidis has partnered with the Home Instead Senior Care network to develop the 50-50 RuleSM public education program to help siblings deal with the many issues of caring for a parent. Following are tips on how siblings can better share the care.

1. Talk and listen. Research shows that parents care a lot about maintaining independence, often to the point that they also forfeit getting more support. That’s why it’s important to communicate, preferably before your family is in the throes of caregiving.

2. Research options. When you and your siblings have identified the types of services, interventions or care options that your senior needs, look for organizations and resources that can help you meet those needs. Discuss with your siblings who in the family will handle this job. Try to divide the tasks so everyone has input and the opportunity to share their ideas. A good place to start is by doing online research on websites such as www.eldercare.gov and http://www.caring.com/.

3. Plan ahead. When needs and resources are identified, you and your siblings will have a better idea what will be required of your family. For example, if your mother wants to stay at home and "age in place," consider whether someone in the family will be supplementing that care or if you will divide those duties among siblings.

4. Be flexible. Needs of a senior change as they age. So do the lives of you and your siblings. Rather than insisting that all of the caregiving tasks be divided equally, consider a division of labor that takes into account each family member’s interests and skills, as well as their availability.

5. Be honest. If you have become the primary caregiver and it’s getting to be too much, make sure your siblings know that you need help. Discuss specific tasks that your brother or sister can help you with such as grocery shopping or placing online orders. If you are a long-distance sibling, check in often with the primary caregiver to see how it’s going.

Introduction to the 50-50 RuleSM

This guide is designed to help adult siblings and their aging parents deal with those sensitive situations that arise among brothers and sisters as their parents age and need assistance. The guide covers a variety of sibling caregiving topics such as: How do you divide workload with your sister? What’s the best way to build teamwork with your brothers? How can you reach agreement as a family on important topics to avoid family conflict?

Based on research and experience, the Home Instead Senior Care® network recommends that siblings make every effort to work with their parents to make decisions about important family matters such as caring for a parent, family inheritance, finances, and end-of-life issues such as estate planning.

The "50-50 RuleSM" refers to the average age when siblings are caring for their parents (50) as well as the need for brothers and sisters to share in the plans for care (50/50). The program is a follow-up to the organization’s successful "40-70 Rule®" program, which encourages adult 40-year-old children to begin discussions on sensitive subjects with their 70-year-old parents sooner rather than later.

This guide features real-life family situations followed by ideas and resources to address those topics. These case studies were developed with input from sibling relationships expert Ingrid Connidis, Ph.D., from the University of Western Ontario.

The stakes are high – sibling relationships and the quality of their parents’ care are at risk. But with new approaches and a focus on building better family relationships, caregiving can make families stronger than ever.

A study conducted for the Home Instead Senior Care® network forms the foundation for this guide. The organization interviewed 711 adults in the U.S. and 383 adults in Canada ages 35-64, with living siblings or stepsiblings, who said they either currently provide care for a parent or older relative, or did provide care in the past 18 months.