Sharing the Care

Tips to Help Sibling Caregivers Plan Ahead, Work Together
Sharing isn’t always easy for brothers and sisters who grew up under the same roof. Divvying up the wealth of toys, bedrooms or vehicles may have been a challenge at your house, and sharing the daily household chores could have led to family conflict as well.

Some things never change.

According to research conducted for the Home Instead Senior Care® network, sharing the care of elderly parents can be as much of an obstacle for adult siblings. In 43% of U.S. families and 41% of Canadian families, one sibling has the responsibility for providing most or all of the care for Mom or Dad, according to a survey of family caregivers. In only 2% of families in the U.S. and 3% in Canada did the siblings split the caregiving responsibility equally.

"Senior caregiving can either bring families together or cause brother and sister conflict," says sibling relationships expert Ingrid Connidis, Ph.D., from the University of Western Ontario. "In some cases it can do both. These issues can be very emotional."

Connidis has partnered with the Home Instead Senior Care network to develop the 50-50 RuleSM public education program to help siblings deal with the many issues of caring for a parent. Following are tips on how siblings can better share the care.

1. Talk and listen. Research shows that parents care a lot about maintaining independence, often to the point that they also forfeit getting more support. That’s why it’s important to communicate, preferably before your family is in the throes of caregiving.

2. Research options. When you and your siblings have identified the types of services, interventions or care options that your senior needs, look for organizations and resources that can help you meet those needs. Discuss with your siblings who in the family will handle this job. Try to divide the tasks so everyone has input and the opportunity to share their ideas. A good place to start is by doing online research on websites such as www.eldercare.gov and http://www.caring.com/.

3. Plan ahead. When needs and resources are identified, you and your siblings will have a better idea what will be required of your family. For example, if your mother wants to stay at home and "age in place," consider whether someone in the family will be supplementing that care or if you will divide those duties among siblings.

4. Be flexible. Needs of a senior change as they age. So do the lives of you and your siblings. Rather than insisting that all of the caregiving tasks be divided equally, consider a division of labor that takes into account each family member’s interests and skills, as well as their availability.

5. Be honest. If you have become the primary caregiver and it’s getting to be too much, make sure your siblings know that you need help. Discuss specific tasks that your brother or sister can help you with such as grocery shopping or placing online orders. If you are a long-distance sibling, check in often with the primary caregiver to see how it’s going.

Introduction to the 50-50 RuleSM

This guide is designed to help adult siblings and their aging parents deal with those sensitive situations that arise among brothers and sisters as their parents age and need assistance. The guide covers a variety of sibling caregiving topics such as: How do you divide workload with your sister? What’s the best way to build teamwork with your brothers? How can you reach agreement as a family on important topics to avoid family conflict?

Based on research and experience, the Home Instead Senior Care® network recommends that siblings make every effort to work with their parents to make decisions about important family matters such as caring for a parent, family inheritance, finances, and end-of-life issues such as estate planning.

The "50-50 RuleSM" refers to the average age when siblings are caring for their parents (50) as well as the need for brothers and sisters to share in the plans for care (50/50). The program is a follow-up to the organization’s successful "40-70 Rule®" program, which encourages adult 40-year-old children to begin discussions on sensitive subjects with their 70-year-old parents sooner rather than later.

This guide features real-life family situations followed by ideas and resources to address those topics. These case studies were developed with input from sibling relationships expert Ingrid Connidis, Ph.D., from the University of Western Ontario.

The stakes are high – sibling relationships and the quality of their parents’ care are at risk. But with new approaches and a focus on building better family relationships, caregiving can make families stronger than ever.

A study conducted for the Home Instead Senior Care® network forms the foundation for this guide. The organization interviewed 711 adults in the U.S. and 383 adults in Canada ages 35-64, with living siblings or stepsiblings, who said they either currently provide care for a parent or older relative, or did provide care in the past 18 months.